Becoming Betrothed

This is the second phase of the ancient Jewish bridal traditions, which I have entitled becoming betrothed. Last blog I wrote I spoke on the preparation, there had to be a bride to seek, and a cost to be considered. Now we are getting down to business and will be looking into how a woman becomes betrothed to a man in the ancient Jewish traditions. This section is broken down in three segments: 1. Ketubah 2. Consent 3. Gifts and the Cup of the Covenant.

1. The Written document: The Ketubah

After the father began to seriously think on what cost he was willing to pay for the bride for his son, there had to be a meeting to set up a written document called the Ketubah. The Ketubah, which literally means written instrument. Which is exactly what it does, it is a written document used for the sole purpose of showing the set price and the promises the groom was making and the right of the bride. . The groom promises to work for her, to honor her, support and maintain her in truth, to provide food clothing and necessities and to live together with her as husband and wife.

This document had to be signed by both parties before the marriage preparations could begin. In fact if the Father for what ever reason did not agree with the arrangement, or agree with the choice, then the Ketubah was not seen as legally binding. However this being said, as we will see in the next section the woman does have a choice. While it was not proper, or seen as a good thing to do the woman could have got married yet the Ketubah (if one was made) would be null and void do to her fathers disapproval.

Num 30:3-5 If a woman also vow a vow unto the LORD, and bind herself by a bond, being in her father's house in her youth; And her father hear her vow, and her bond wherewith she hath bound her soul, and her father shall hold his peace at her: then all her vows shall stand, and every bond wherewith she hath bound her soul shall stand. But if her father disallow her in the day that he heareth; not any of her vows, or of her bonds wherewith she hath bound her soul, shall stand: and the LORD shall forgive her, because her father disallowed her.

It was a document that was the unalienable right of the bride. If for one reason or another the Ketubah was lost, or destroyed there would have to be another one drawn up before the marriage could take place. Even when married the couple must keep the ketubah in there possession and you were not aloud to live together with out one. Sometimes it took weeks even months to write out a Ketubah. After all you are dealing with the fathers daughter and marriage, this is something not to be rushed.

So is there biblical examples of a document in order to arrange a marriage?In fact there is a wonderful example of this agreement. It is found in (Gen_31:43-45), while it is not an agreement before the daughters were aloud to leave the house of there father.

“And Laban answered and said unto Jacob, These daughters are my daughters, and these children are my children, and these cattle are my cattle, and all that thou seest is mine: and what can I do this day unto these my daughters, or unto their children which they have born? Now therefore come thou, let us make a covenant, I and thou; and let it be for a witness between me and thee. And Jacob took a stone, and set it up for a pillar. And Jacob said unto his brethren, Gather stones; and they took stones, and made an heap: and they did eat there upon the heap. And Laban called it Jegar-sahadutha: but Jacob called it Galeed. And Laban said, This heap is a witness between me and thee this day. Therefore was the name of it called Galeed; And Mizpah; for he said, The LORD watch between me and thee, when we are absent one from another. If thou shalt afflict my daughters, or if thou shalt take other wives beside my daughters, no man is with us; see, God is witness between me and thee. And Laban said to Jacob, Behold this heap, and behold this pillar, which I have cast between me and thee; This heap be witness, and this pillar be witness, that I will not pass over this heap to thee, and that thou shalt not pass over this heap and this pillar unto me, for harm. The God of Abraham, and the God of Nahor, the God of their father, judge between us. And Jacob swore by the fear of his father Isaac. Then Jacob offered sacrifice upon the mount, and called his brethren to eat bread: and they did eat bread, and tarried all night in the mount. And early in the morning Laban rose up, and kissed his sons and his daughters, and blessed them: and Laban departed, and returned unto his place.” -(Gen 31:43-55)

“If he take him another wife; her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish.” - (Exo 21:10). Here we have not a written document, but we have Mosaic law concerning the marriage relationship. It states that the husband is to provide her with the food necessary to live, her clothing, and her conjugal rights.

We see that through the Jewish writings that the Law of Moses was to be the guide lines for preparing the marriage agreement. In fact in the second century A.D. Rabbi Meir made the provision of a brit (Ket 5:1) We see in (Ket. 4:11-12) the Jewish husband was responsible for his wife’s medical expenses, for the support of the daughters till the time of there marriages, and for the provisions of an inheritance for her sons as well as for giving her a well thought-of funeral

“Raguel called for his daughter Sarah, took her by the hand and gave her to Tobias with these words, `I entrust her to you; the law and the ruling recorded in the Book of Moses assign her to you as your wife. Take her; take her home to your father's house with a good conscience. The God of heaven grant you a good journey in peace.' Then he turned to her mother and asked her to fetch him writing paper. He drew up the marriage contract, how he gave his daughter as bride to Tobias according to the ordinance in the Law of Moses." - (Tobit 7:12-16)

We can find three full marriage and four incomplete contracts in Aramaic from the fifth century B.C. have been found at the Jewish garrison at Elephantine in Egypt."-Yamauchi, 246

Jewish law, for instance, does not recognize a decree of divorce of any court without the act of divorcing carried out by the husband. It is the husband who divorces, not the court. Equally, it is the husband who marries, not the court. Therefore, for many centuries, Jewish marriages were negotiated by means of marriage deeds. The deed...sets down the terms of the marriage contract. The practice of writing a marriage deed still obtains among Jews today, but its importance in the marriage has been lessened by the influence of the statutory marriage of modern law, that is, the marriage whose foundation is social legislation or statue rather than contract. Still, the Ketubah is with us today as a survival of an ancient institution, and submits itself readily to a historical and analytical examination.- Epstein, 1-2.

2. The Brides Consent

When we think of marriages in the Middle East we often think of the mans choice, and think that there is no choice in the matter of the Bride. In fact much of what we think about marriages is very different then what was actually the case. We tend to think about the Bride being forced to marry a man who she did not want to marry. We think of the father forcing the woman to marry a man, in order for her father to gain some sort of profit. However as we discussed previously, is that there were gifts given to the bride as well as the father and what we will find here is that the Bride had a choice. The Bride had to give her consent to marry, with out her consent, there was going to be no marriage.

The freedom of mate-selection enjoyed by the Jewish young people of the first and second centuries in many respects exceeds that possessed by modern day American youth. Girls were not, as is commonly thought, the property of the fathers to be bought or sold for marriage. Neither were boys compelled to marry the girl of paternal choosing.

The daughters father did posses the power to set the price of the bride and the power to object as we discussed previously. However he was not allowed to negotiate a betrothal of his daughter before she reached the age of twelve plus one day old. For a father to negotiate a betrothal of his daughter before she reached the age of twelve was considered an act of poor judgment, and it was preferred that he wait until she grew up and said “I want so and so as my husband”. The marriage of minors was the exemption and certainly not the norm. If a daughter was betrothed before she reached maturity she could exercise her legal right of refusal. If she refused the young man that her father selected, she might accept another offer by her father, or wait until she became of age and then marry a young man of their own choice.

In the bible we see a very interesting passage in Gen where Abraham has sent his servant to receive a bride for his son. In verses 56-61 of Genesis chapter 24 we find that the consent of Rebekah is needed in order for the marriage to take place. “And he said unto them, Hinder me not, seeing the LORD hath prospered my way; send me away that I may go to my master. And they said, We will call the damsel, and inquire at her mouth. And they called Rebekah, and said unto her, Wilt thou go with this man? And she said, I will go. And they sent away Rebekah their sister, and her nurse, and Abraham's servant, and his men. And they blessed Rebekah, and said unto her, Thou art our sister, be thou the mother of thousands of millions, and let thy seed possess the gate of those which hate them. And Rebekah arose, and her damsels, and they rode upon the camels, and followed the man: and the servant took Rebekah, and went his way. -(Gen 24:56-61)”

3. Gifts were given to the bride and a cup called the cup of the covenant was shared between the bride and the groom.

The rite of the betrothal is completed when the groom provides gifts to the bride and she accepts it and drinks from the cup of the covenant. Today the gift that is given is usually a ring. However Before the gifts and the cup of the covenant are exchanged the bride and all of the family read the Ketubah out loud.

Once the terms of the ketubah had been specified and the father of the bride had agreed to them, the prospective bridegroom would pour a cup of wine for the prospective bride. The wine would be blessed with the ritual prayer: "Blessed art Thou, Eternal our God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, who has given us the fruit of the vine, Amen." (26)-26. Neil and Jamie Lash, Ancient Jewish Wedding Customs, (Ft. Lauderdale, FL: Love Song To The Messiah), Tape T-102.

If there were no objections from the father of the bride, then the ceremony would begin. In which the groom would pour wine into a cup. It is at this time that the groom would take the bride by the hand and repeated “Behold, thou art consecrated unto me, thou art betrothed unto me behold, thou art a wife unto me, this is my blood that I give to you". Then the cup, also called the cup of the covenant, was shared and sealed between the bride and the groom with the drinking of wine. In doing so the couple drinks from the common cup. The cup is first given to the groom to sip, and then given to the bride. The groom would formally accept his bride with another ritual statement, often “Thou art set apart (or consecrated) for me according to the law of Moses and Israel.”

If she agreed to the match, she would drink from the cup, indicating her acceptance. (27) In this manner, the covenant was sealed, and the couple was considered to be betrothed. The betrothal period typically lasted one full year, commencing with the sealing of the covenant and ending with the nuptials themselves Booker, 5.

This completed rite is known in Hebrew as Kiddushin, which means “Sanctification: the gifts to the bride are symbols of love, commitment and loyalty and the drinking of the wine is a sign of the acceptance of all that is contained in the Ketubah

This cup is also called the shared cup of the Brit, i.e. Covenant. The two are now really married. They are betrothed, secured, i.e. sealed. Gifts are now given to the Bride and her family from the Bridegroom or His Servant, as in the case of Abraham sending his servant Eliezer. Eliezer came with 10 camels filled with gifts to secure a Bride for Isaac.

Betrothal (kiddushin, or erusin) was a much more formal concept in Jewish antiquity than our modern state of engagement. A betrothed couple was, for all legal purposes, considered to be married. For example, men who were betrothed, even if not actually married, were subject to the one year exemption from military service (Deut. 21:7). The only respect in which this was not true was sexual---consummation of the marriage before the actual nuptials was forbidden. Thus why it was such a problem for Mary the mother of Jesus to be pregnant when she was betrothed.

Hopefully now you are understanding how complex this process is. It was not something done at a moments whim. It was something everyone took very seriously. We seen how there was a written up document, how the bride had a choice, and that there was a ceremony where the bride would receive gifts, and the cup of the covenant was shared. In the next blog I will be discussing the waiting period. As I showed previously the betrothal period lasted about 1yr. I will be talking about what takes place with in that 1 yr time frame.