The Preparation

As I stated before This blog will be focusing on the historical traditional Jewish wedding. It is important to understand what there traditions were in regards to the wedding ceremony, if we are to understand the scriptures when referring to them. For example, When we read about Mary and Joseph and how they were betrothed, it would do us well in understanding what being betrothed meant. I know that when I grew up I was told that it meant an engagement, and in a way it does, however it is a bit more complicated than that. I had this idea that Joseph went out to the local Kay’s Jeweler and picked out a nice diamond ring and took Mary out to eat, then in the middle of the restaurant he got down on one knee and said those all too familiar words “Will You Marry Me?”. However being betrothed is much more elaborate than that, and a bit more complicated than that as well. In fact the act of being betrothed actually means that Mary was legally attached to Joseph. That is why we find Mary and Joseph having to go to Bethlehem for a census, she had to do that legally, because she was seen as betrothed to Joseph. It was not a simple engagement that could be broke off at a moments whim. As we will discuss it was a contractual agreement

To help us understand this Jewish traditional marriage, I have decided to break it down in parts. Do to the amount of information, I have tried to break it down in four sections. The first section is called the Preparation, which is what we will be discussing in this blog. The second section is called Becoming betrothed, which deals with the betrothal process. The next blog will be called the Waiting Period, it will deal with what the traditions were, between the betrothal period till the actual wedding. The last Blog will be Called The Wedding Ceremony, it will deal with traditions of the Wedding Party and Supper.

Before you would even think about getting married there were a few decisions that needed to be made. As in out time before we think about marriage we tend to think about…am I ready, can I afford to support someone else, do I really love that person…Or at least that is what I hope people are thinking about before they get married. In the Jewish culture there were things that they had to consider as well.

The two things they were thinking about was 1. Who were they going to seek to be there bride. 2. What price were they willing to pay for her. In this blog I am going to be discussing these two concerns and help you in understanding a bit more about the Jewish culture. Because our culture is so different from the ancient Jewish culture when we think about bridal selection, it is far different from there’s. When we think of the price to pay for the bride, we typically have a very primal understanding of it that it really does a great injustice to our understanding of the true Jewish tradition.

1. The selection of the bride.

The first thing we see in the Jewish tradition of marriage is that the Father chooses the bride. Sometimes this is do to the request of the son, other times it is by the request of the Father, and at other times it is simply an arranged marriage that neither the Father nor the Son has seen the bride to be. Regardless of weather or not if the bride has been seen, or if it was do to the request of the son, or of the father, it is almost always arranged by the Father of the Groom. Which in turn comes before the father of the bride to discuss the arrangement. While it is true that the Father was the one responsible, we also see that the mother at times could be involved in the arrangement.

(Gen 21:21)And he (Ishmael) dwelt in the wilderness of Paran: and his mother took him a wife out of the land of Egypt.

However the end decision rested upon the Fathers of the couple.

And Rebekah said to Isaac, I am weary of my life because of the daughters of Heth: if Jacob take a wife of the daughters of Heth, such as these which are of the daughters of the land, what good shall my life do me? And Isaac called Jacob, and blessed him, and charged him, and said unto him, Thou shalt not take a wife of the daughters of Canaan. -(Gen 27:46-28:1)

And Judah took a wife for Er his firstborn, whose name was Tamar. -(Gen 38:6)

In Gen 24 we read were Abraham sent his servant to find a wife for his son Isaac. Many times in history this was done, and the servant was often called the “agent of the father” who’s charge it was to find a wife for his masters son. The charge was not aimless, there were distinct instructions as to what this servant must do and where he must go. Abraham did just that when he sent his servant to find a bride for his son.

"In all periods of Jewish history, almost all marriages were arranged by the young couple's respective fathers, who were obligated to see to it that their children be married. Thus, Jeremiah, for example, charged the exiles in Babylon, `Take wives for your sons and give your daughters to men.' (Jer. 29:6)" - Mendell Lewittes, Jewish Marriage: Rabbinic Tradition, Legend, and Custom (Northvale: Jason Aronson, Inc., 1994), 19.
"During the biblical era, sons and daughters alike were completely under the authority of their parents...The match would be made between the heads of families---the fathers, the father of the son taking the primary initiative." - Galen Peterson, The Everlasting Tradition, (Grand Rapids: Kregel Publishers, 1995), 132.



2. A bride price was established

When the decision was to be made that the Father of the son would seek to find his son a bride there was a cost that the Father, and the son had to take into account. This was done in the form of jewelry, plots of land, animals, money, and even slaves were often given as a dowry. However there were three aspects of this price that was paid. In the Jewish Culture we find that the price was divided into three parts. There was what is called the Mohar, which was the gift given to the brides father by the groom. There was also a Mattan, this was a gift to the bride by the groom. Finally we have the Shiluhim which is the gift given by the father of the groom to the bride. Each one was very distinct and had there own special meaning to the bride.

The mohar is based on ancient eastern principal of reimbursement. This gift was to show prescribed by law and the minimum of 50 shekels was to be expected, but there were exceptions to this where other gifts were given in instead of money. Regardless of weather it was money or some other items, the mohar was a very costly one and rightly so. It was to compensate for the loss of a daughter, and to create a bond between the two family’s. The Father of the Bride was giving a precious gift, his own daughter and the Father of the groom is going to give a very costly gift in return. In fact it was far more than conveying good will, or a since of contractual responsibility. This offering serves to institute a blood covenant between giver and recipient, and this can only be done when the exchange is evenhanded.

"The most satisfactory explanation of the mohar is to be found in the essential purpose and significance of gifts among the ancient Semites. Here the principle of compensation finds its earliest expression...The gift does not necessarily involve the idea of equivalence except in a very general way. It is simply an object of value presented in order to enhance the prestige of the giver, to express and confirm the social bond between him and the recipient, and to put the latter under an obligation to him...." A marriage is not merely an incidental transaction between the two families; it creates and cements a relationship of alliance between them. One family gives a very precious possession, a daughter; the other, `to put things on an equal footing' gives a valuable present. The mohar thus establishes the prestige of the husband and his family, gives him authority over his wife, makes the contract binding on both parties, and creates and alliance between the two families." - Millar Burrows, The Basis of Israelite Marriage, (New Haven, CT: American Oriental Society, 1938), 11,13

In the remote past, there probably was no standard at all, but in Biblical days we already note a minimum mohar. For seduction, the law prescribes a fine equal in sum to the mohar of virgins (Exodus 22:15-16). Now, what was that sum? The rabbis say rape and seduction are equal offenses, and if the Bible prescribes a fine of fifty shekels for rape (Deuteronomy 22:29), then seduction must also be fined the same amount. In other words, the sum equal to the mohar of virgins is fifty shekels. The rabbis' logic is evident as it is compelling. Rape and seduction represent theft of virginity; mohar, the price of virginity. It is by the same logic, probably, that the Bible prescribes a fine of a hundred shekels, double the price of virginity, for the husband who falsely denies his bride's virginity, as double penalty for the thief is not uncommon in the ancient law. Our conclusion is, therefore, that the Bible knew of a minimum mohar of fifty shekels."- Louis M. Epstein, The Jewish Marriage Contract, (New York: Jewish Theological Seminary of America, 1927), 60

In the bible we see several instances where there was a cost given to the father for his daughter hand in marriage. We find in Gen 24:53 that Eleazar presents “precious things” to Laban who was the substitute in the place of Rebekah’s father. We also read where Jacob works seven years of Rachel (Gen 29), and where Shechem will pay anything for Dinah which in turn cost him his very life (Gen 34:12). Othniel captures Kiriath sepher to obtain Achsah, the daughter of Caleb as his wife (Joshua 14:16-17). When David battled Goliath and defeated him, that act was sufficient to win the king’s daughter (I Samuel 17:25). In fact the next chapter we read where Saul requests a hundred foreskins of the Philistines from David for his daughter. There was always a cost in order for the groom to pay for the bride. In fact in the very first marriage we find that Adam had to give a rib for his wife Eve.

While the Mohar was a cost given to the father for the Bride. Mattan is the cost given to the bride by the groom. While the Mohar was legal, the Mattan was completely voluntary. The Mohar was to show his respect to the bride and as well to the father. However the Mattan was a gift to show his undying love, and commitment to the Bride. Mattan was entirely voluntary and thus the cost of the gift would vary greatly.

Social usage in antiquity required the groom to give presents to his bride at betrothal, which were technically termed Mattan, voluntary gifts. No Biblical legislation is connected with this, for it was not considered a legal obligation, though definitely recorded in the Bible."- Louis M. Epstein, The Jewish Marriage Contract, (New York: Jewish Theological Seminary of America, 1927), 78

We can see various passages of scripture which talk about gifts given to the bride by the groom. We can see in Gen 24, Eliezer gives silver and gold and several articles of clothing to Rebekah as a gift. We see in Gen 34 where Shechem offers any cost to be paid for Dinah. We also find an interesting passage in Gen 29 where Jacob’s cry’s upon meeting Rachel. There are some who believe that the tears was do to his inability to provide a mattan to offer her, and while we can not be certain why he wept…it certainly could be a reason for his sorrow (Louis M. Epstein, The Jewish Marriage Contract, (New York: Jewish Theological Seminary of America, 1927), 78)

On top of Mohar, and the Mattan we also have one final aspect of payment for the bride and that is the Shiluhim. While the Mohar was the payment given to the Father of the bride, and the Mattan was the gift given to the bride by the son, there was also a gift given to the Bride by the Father which is called Shiluhim. This was done do to the fact that she would no longer be with the father and her inheritance would stay with the father as she clung to her husband. Like the Mohar and Mattan there was a great deal of differences in the cost of the Shiluhim. Many times plots of land, or slaves were apart of the gift, some times it was very costly items such as gold or silver, or spices or perfumes. Like Mattan Shiluhim was not mandated by Law, like that of the Mohar, but rather a custom that was very common among the ancient peoples.

"Among ancient peoples, dowry is commonly conceived as a daughter's share of inheritance in her father's possession. The sons succeed their father; the daughters leave him. In lieu of succession, therefore, the daughters on leaving receive their share of inheritance. This is probably the conception of Shiluhim, sending the girl away from the parental estate, a settlement on her in lieu of inheritance. "Next to the idea of succession and in the course of time superseding it, is the thought that dowry is a parental obligation in the interest of attracting suitors to the girls… One may seriously doubt, however, whether this particular conception of dowry is not altogether post-Biblical, for in Biblical days the position of the Jewish woman was such that bribes and baits were not offered to suitors but taken from them. The conception of dowry as an inducement to marriage is post-Biblical, and the duty upon the father to give dowry in that interest is one imposed on him by late tannatic legislation."…"Louis M. Epstein, The Jewish Marriage Contract, (New York: Jewish Theological Seminary of America, 1927), 90-91

The records of antiquity often refer to the custom of the bride's father giving dowry to his daughter at her marriage. Early Babylonian records call it Seriqtum; the later Babylonian writers denominate it by the term Nudunu, a term that has gone over into the rabbinnic writings, where it is called Nedunya. Instances of dowry are not uncommon in the Bible. Sarah has a slave, Hagar; Rachel and Leah have Bilha and Zilpa as their slaves, given to them as part of the dowry. Caleb gives his daughter a field and springs of water as Berakah, blessing, that is, a marriage gift with parental blessing, or rather, with parental care for her future comfort. Pharaoh gives his daughter, the wife of Solomon, the city of Gezer as a wedding gift, which he calls Shiluhim, a `send off.' Papyrus G devotes a special clause to the enumeration of the dowry; the Book of Tobit speaks of a very liberal dowry, half of the father-in-laws's possessions; and Sirach denounces men who marry for the lust of a large dowry."- Louis M. Epstein, The Jewish Marriage Contract, (New York: Jewish Theological Seminary of America, 1927), 90-91

To summarize one last time, the Mohar, which was the gift given to the brides father by the groom. The Mattan, was a gift to the bride by the groom. The Shiluhim is the gift given by the father of the groom to the bride.

As I stated before the next blog will deal with the actual betrothal process. We will go back over each section and dive a little bit deeper into each one and study the scriptural, and theological significances of each.